


To be worthy again

by mihakeeper



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 17:21:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18815506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mihakeeper/pseuds/mihakeeper
Summary: After 8x05, I'm broke.I know I can't fix what happened, but here's my pathetic attempt at making it a little better, to ease the wound a little.Sorry for the typo's or mistakes, I'm not a native speaker





	To be worthy again

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Быть достойным снова](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18839236) by [Domehin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Domehin/pseuds/Domehin)



To say that he did not expect to survive was a huge understatement.  
When he went back to Cersei, it was because he knew she would die… and he needed to be there with her.  
With the injuries inflicted by Euron, and the walls and the roof collapsing around them, the world turned to black. But he was not afraid to die, he was prepared for a while.

Though his life did not end, and between fever and nightmares, he slowly joined the world of the living again.  
He felt a hand checking his wounds from time to time and he drank milk of the poppy often. He felt his body moving slowly and he realized he was on a boat. Until he was finally able to open his eyes and saw what was happening around him.

The young Podrick Payne was sitting on a side of the cabin. Jaime tried to speak, but no words came out and he ended up coughing a few times instead.

“Don’t move, sir… I’ll fetch M’lady”

The young man was out before he could utter another word. His whole body ached, and he was not sure he would be able to speak anyway. He closed his eyes again and, without realizing it, fell back to sleep.

——

The second time he woke, she was there. He hurt from his wounds, but it was not much compared to the guilt of facing her again. When he left Winterfell, he was convinced it would be the last time he would see her. He did not expect to be wrong.

She looked at him as soon as he shifted in the bed and she gave him some water to drink. He tried to do it on his own, but he failed miserably. So she helped. He noticed she was different, much different from when he had shared her nights. Gone were her smile and her sparkling eyes. She also made sure not to look at him. Not directly.

“You should be dead”

It was not a jab, nor a complaint, but a statement. And truth be told, he should be dead. He should have died with her. His sister. His lover. He wanted to ask about her but he did not dare. It didn’t matter, as she guessed his question anyway.

“She was already dead when Davos arrived. You were barely breathing… But he took a chance”.

She paused a little, her voice suddenly harsher.

“We are on our way to Tarth. Rest today, tomorrow we will talk. You have choices to make”.

She stood up and left, leaving him alone in the room. Pod came a few times during the rest of the day, to give him some food and change the bedding. Jaime could not help but notice the young squire being as fast as he could. There was a time when Podrick Payne loved to spend as much time as he could around him, one of the former best knights in Westeros. This time was long gone now and he realized the squire could not even bare to look at him anymore.

——-

The day after, she came back in his room. He was awake for some time, thinking about all the ways he could find to end his own life. Surely he was not meant to survive his sister. The thing was, as much as he had made peace with dying with Cersei, he was not ready to kill himself. He was a warrior, through and through. Though he was certain he would not be much of a fight at this moment.

His fellow knight sat next to him and he glanced at her. Her eyes were cold as ice, and for the first time since he woke, they met his.

“I told you you had a choice to make”

He nodded, not trusting his voice at the moment.

“I am with child…”

He swallowed hard and his eyes went immediately to her belly… which she protected with her own hand. He raised his good hand to join hers but she moved away, her face full of anger.

“That’s not what I…”

She breathes heavily and sighed.

“What I mean is… A woman in my condition does not have a lot of choices…”

The realization came hard and he felt like a dagger pierced his skin again. He went to her that night… And the following. And he used her… He did not realize it at the time, but he used her. She allowed him to, but he always knew she would. She loved him. 

“Now, I have three men who have agreed to help me in my situation. So you don’t have to agree because of a sense of duty. This is not the… This is not for that I am giving you this choice”

“Who?” he heard himself asking.

She looked at him with this hard stare he found so strange and he thought she would not answer. To be honest, she’d have every right not to.

“Podrick”

He snorted at the name, and he thought he saw the flicker of a smile.

“Bronn…”

“Ow…”

“And Gendry”

This one hurt him and he did not know why. Maybe because Gendry looked a but like Renly. The Renly she had been in love with. Yet he had no right to be jealous.

“Or… “

She sighed and spoke the rest very quickly.

“Or we could wed and you would have the opportunity to be a father to that child”

His answer was more a whisper now.

“I do not deserve this”

Her answer was harsh, but true, as she exited the room.

“No, you don’t. But she, or he, does.”

He added in his own head “And so do you”.

——-

They arrived in Tarth two days later. He was still weak, but he could walk some with some assistance. Podrick began to feel more at ease with him again and he felt relieved. Brienne was avoiding him as much as she could. He did not blame her.

A person who was not trying to avoid him, though, was Lord Selwyn Tarth. A bit taller than Brienne, and quite old now, he was still very impressive. He had a loud and strong voice, and his eyes were as piercing as his daughter.

He had been the one to demand Jaime’s answer to Brienne’s proposal. He had agreed and he had seen the Evenstar sigh heavily and shake his head. Gendry, as lord of the Stormlands would have been a better husband. And, on a whole, a better man. Jaime knew that better than anyone. Still, he wanted the opportunity to be a father to one of his children.

With Cersei deep in his thought, he cloaked Brienne on a Sunday morning. There were few guests and no one clapped. It was not a real wedding, but a masquerade to let her keep some dignity and not bring a bastard into the world. And as he adjusted the cloak on her, he realized two things. The first was that he had wronged her in ways that he even did not think about at the time. And the second, that she was actually the one who should cloak him. As he tried to grab her hand, to thank her, to make her understand he would be there for her from now on, she removed his hand from hers and shook her head. When he noticed tears forming in her eyes, he understood the road to forgiveness would be painfully long.

——–

When Brienne had learned about the child growing in her womb, her first instinct was to try and take it out. She was not a mother. She did not want to be a mother.

But as it grew inside her, she had felt the need to protect it.

And when Tyrion had arrived at Winterfell and had told her about Jaime’s fate, she had resolved to keep it and to raise it as the heir of Tarth. Not as a Lannister though, and Tyrion had agreed on that. Were Jaime to accept her proposal, the baby would bear her name… and not his. 

She did not know why she was still so willing to save Jaime’s life and to offer him a new life. She loved him, of course, and she probably always would, but she also despised him and resented him for the way he had treated her. She could have refused him her bed, and she considered herself as guilty as he was, but the consequence of their actions were quite different for a man and for a woman.

When he only looked for some solace, she ended up tainted. For a beautiful and young woman, it was already difficult to find a man who would accept a bastard. But for someone like her, she had thought it would be even worse. Though it seems her role during the battle of Winterfell and her reputation would have helped her. Podrick had been the first to step in, red in the face and stuttering like an idiot. But his heart was in a good place and she had thanked him heartily.

Bronn’s offer had been a little bit more colourful and in the form of a letter. She had read it once, but could not bear to look at it again as she was the one blushing with what he proposed to do to her, where she to become his wife.

And Gendry’s offer had touched her. He had also sent a letter, explaining how he did not wish to marry for love, but that he admired her and how she fought. He reminded her of Renly, but a stronger, younger Renly.

Then, of course, Jaime had agreed. And now, they were wed. She had led him to their bed chambers and she had seen his questioning gaze when she had shown him his own bed.

“If you thought we’d share, you were wrong… “

He hadn’t answered and she had helped him settle. He still had trouble walking and it would take him some time to heal completely. She had a feeling it would take her some time to heal too, even if her wounds were not that visible.

———–

Selwyn Tarth had found his new son an occupation. As new master of arms, Jaime would be training the young men how to fight. As he grew stronger, his days would get longer and longer. And he was able to avoid her the same way she avoided him.

And it did hurt. The way she would turn her head away when he looked at her and tried to speak to her, how she would pretend to be asleep when he woke up and prepared himself for the days, how she would excuse herself during the supper so that she would lie in her bed before he even came into their bed chambers. And the more her belly grew, the more she was pushing him away.

When the baby arrived though, she asked for him. She had taken his good hand and she had cried and scream. She was strong, but this was probably the worst fight she had ever fought. Or maybe it had been against the dead. He remember that night, when she had trusted him completely… and he had done the same. He remembered the rush of the fight and the fear he experienced when he had though she had died. He realized, a bit surprised, that that fear had never left him. Cersei was still in his heart, and in his dream, but Brienne had a place there too. And when the baby was put in his arm, he cried. Because of this baby he would finally get to know, but also because of this woman he now again shared his life with.

——-

Catelyn was a fussy baby and Brienne was, at her own surprise, a very caring mother. She had refused every wet nurse that her father had sent her. She would feed her own child, thank you!

And what a sight that was! The tall, strong and proud knight nursing her daughter. This time, he was the one pretending to be asleep, just to be able to catch her offguard, when she thought no one was paying attention to her and she was slowly rocking Catelyn, whispering words of confort and love. A year ago, he would have said with certainty that Brienne was made to be a warrior. Today, he would say that she also was made to be a mother.

He would do his share too, even if it was not always easy with only one hand. But he kept on trying and he was soon able to carry her around and to soothe her. It gave Brienne some time to rest, and she did not mind him taking care of Catelyn, as much as she minded the wet nurse.

They went on with this simple life for a few months. Until one day, the fever got to their daughter, and the maester asked to keep her for the night. He saw that Brienne was keeping a strong and composed face in company of the maester, but when he left, Jaime immediately took her in his arms. She fought him back for a while but, eventually, she broke into tears and collapsed on the bed with him. He kept her close to him during the night and, while she slept, he made her two promises. The first one was not to hurt her or leave her ever again. The second was to make everything he could so that, one day, he would again be worthy of her.


End file.
